FishYouCanFuck.com

Gender:Male
Age:11
Location: Upstream, Oregon
Body: Slippy. Large. Tough.
Interests: Swimming upstream. Spawning ;). Poker.
Looking for: Anyone to spawn with. Please
Hates: Those fuckass fisherman who think I'm some sorta prize, at least take me out to dinner first...

"Hell, I've got one spawn left before I drop dead. Let's put that fishery in Connecticut to shame. "

Species: Blowfish
Age: 34
Location: Coral Reef District, Pacific
Body: Expandable. Very.
Interests: Yoga (expanding), breath work (inflating), being touched carefully
Looking for: Someone who isn't scared of a little... growth. I triple in size when aroused. That is a feature, not a bug.

"My ex said I was 'too much.' He was a guppy. I am not apologising for my volume. I come with a toxin upgrade, free of charge."

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Species: Red-Bellied Piranha
Age: 29
Location: Amazon Basin (nice part)
Body: Compact. Powerful. Orally gifted.
Interests: Meditation, knitting, very enthusiastic eating, biting as a love language
Looking for: Someone who can handle a little nibble. Or a big one. Safeword is "upstream."

"I am massively misunderstood. My bite is worse than my bark but my bark is also terrible. I have never fully consumed a date. The keyword is fully."

~><)))°>~
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Species: Ornamental Koi
Age: 47
Location: A very Zen garden, Kyoto
Body: Long, graceful, ornamental in all the right places
Interests: Mindful swimming, being admired from above, tantric drift
Looking for: Slow, circular, deeply meaningful connection. I am in no rush. I will outlive you.

"I may live 200 years. I want to spend at least 40 of them exploring your depths. Spiritually. And otherwise."

><(((·>
 -`-`-

Species: Common Dace
Age: 22
Location: River Thames, London
Body: Modest. Surprisingly athletic. Slippery when wet (always wet).
Interests: Shoaling, vibes, casual current-riding, being underestimated
Looking for: Nothing complicated. Occasional meeting in the shallows. No commitment. Good currents.

"I know I'm common. But I am UNCOMMONLY good at the things that matter. Ask the Thames. The Thames knows."

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Species: Giant Pacific Octopus
Age: 3 (ancient for his kind)
Location: North Pacific, various caves
Body: Eight arms. We will leave it there.
Interests: Problem-solving, squeezing into places, multitasking in the bedroom (cave)
Looking for: Someone who can handle a lot of... attention. Simultaneously.

"Eight arms means eight times the foreplay. I also change colour when excited. It's a whole thing. You're welcome."

~(·ω·)~
  ))))

Species: Bottlenose Dolphin
Age: 26
Location: Mediterranean
Body: Smooth. Hydrodynamic. Famously frisky.
Interests: Echolocation (knows exactly where you are), breach-and-slap, showing off
Looking for: Look. Dolphins have a reputation. It is earned. I will not elaborate here.

"Yes I breathe air. Yes I'm in this app. No I will not explain. My echolocation already knows you're interested."

>--===---===-->
(the snout goes on)

Species: Longnose Gar
Age: 41
Location: Mississippi Delta
Body: Long. Very long. Unnecessarily long. (It's the snout, keep it together.)
Interests: Being prehistoric, waiting patiently, ambush romance
Looking for: Someone who appreciates a fish that has not changed in 100 million years. Timeless, not boring.

"People say I look like a dinosaur. I say I look like someone who knows what works and has been doing it for 100 million years. Experience counts."

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Species: Giant Clam
Age: 87
Location: Great Barrier Reef (permanently)
Body: Opens and closes. That's the whole thing.
Interests: Staying put, filtering everything, the long slow seduction
Looking for: Someone who will come to her for once. She has not moved since 1962. She is not starting now.

"I open up for the right fish. I close immediately for the wrong ones. It's called having standards, darling."

><((((((°>
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Species: Bluefin Tuna
Age: 19
Location: Everywhere. Simultaneously.
Body: Built for speed. All of it is fast. Everything.
Interests: Sprinting, quick encounters, not being canned (it's personal)
Looking for: Fast, passionate, probably brief. I swim at 40mph. I love the same way.

"My therapist says I 'don't stay long enough to feel anything.' She said that during our second session. I was already gone by the third."

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 ><(((°>
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Species: Freshwater Angelfish
Age: 25
Location: Rio Negro, Brazil
Body: Tall. Thin. Dramatic fin-to-body ratio.
Interests: Being beautiful, slow seductive drifting, knowing exactly what she looks like from every angle
Looking for: Someone who understands that I am the experience. You are simply in it.

"My last partner said I was 'too much.' He was a guppy. He was not equipped. I require someone who can handle my full wingspan."

~~~~~°>
 zap!

Species: Electric Eel
Age: 52
Location: Orinoco Basin / Various Tunnels
Body: Extremely long. 860 volts. Continuous discharge.
Interests: Electrifying encounters, tunnel construction, colonising the Amazon
Looking for: Someone who can handle getting shocked repeatedly and keeps coming back. The voltage is non-negotiable.

"I will electrify every inch of your body. That is not a metaphor. Please read the safety waiver. It is 47 pages. Sign anyway."